Self-doubt SUCKS!

So J is in his fourth week of increased training, with Shelley working with him (and sometimes me) three times per week.  It has been a bit difficult to arrange for lessons due to conflicting schedules and health issues with both of us, so she has been primarily riding him while I am at work. 

I had a lesson on the 10th and it was VERY tough, but I learned a lot.  It was mostly working on the same things as we have been doing, keeping him quick in the hind legs, keeping him straight and bending him through his back.  We started off in the walk, working on honest responses to the half halt.  J is naturally very lazy in the walk and keeps his hind legs out far behind him, so I have to remember to keep his rhythm quick, half halt and then quicken his rhythm again.  And then let him get unbalanced so I can balance him again, not constantly nag him for it. Then we moved on to the trot and canter, mainly working on a 15 meter volte.  I would keep him very straight through little vibrations through my reins, keep both legs on (which is actually hard for me, I usually want to keep only the inside leg on, so I have to really concentrate on this), ask him to "fall" to the inside with my (primarily) seat and outside leg and then ask him to move forward onto my outside rein with my inside leg.  It was very quick and very tricky, as J can be a bit of a lug sometimes, which doesn't always work when the rider is trying to have quick aids.  He will use any holding in the reins to lean on, even in the most lightest way possible, but it still restricts him from folding his hind legs up underneath himself, which eventually creates the collection that we need for 2nd and 3rd levels.  Shelley had me sitting the trot, which I hadn't done a whole lot of since my surgery, and I felt like I was flopping all over the saddle like a dying fish!  Keith (my husband) was there for the lesson (bless his heart- and he even stayed awake the entire time) and swore that I didn't look like I was having an epileptic fit, but it sure felt like it!  I did have some positive moments, but it can be a bit frustrating as Shelley makes it look so easy! 

Unfortunately I have not had a lesson since, although not for trying.  We are (hopefully) going to do two lessons next week, so that will be very helpful.  I have been riding J in the evenings, even the days that Shelley has already ridden him, so hopefully his endurance level will be getting better and he will be more prepared for show season.  I am in a stage of not feeling very confident on my own, I feel like I am just ruining all the hard work that Shelley has done with him, which makes me not want to try and second guess everything I do.  I really want J to progress although at the same time, I worry that I will not be able to ride him at that level, so what's the point?  I don't know... sometimes I wonder why I don't take up crocheting instead!! Ha ha!